Anxiety doesn’t always look like anxiety.
Sometimes it looks like a busy mind, a racing heart or that familiar feeling of dread.
But sometimes it looks like a sore jaw.
A stomach that seems to have a mind of its own.
Feeling exhausted after being around people.
Forgetting why you walked into a room.
Needing everything to be “just right”.
Feeling irritated by tiny things.
Going completely blank when someone asks you a simple question.
Or sitting perfectly still while, underneath it all, your body feels like it is screaming get me out of here.
These experiences can be surprisingly easy to overlook because we tend to think of anxiety as something that happens in the mind.
But anxiety is a whole-body experience.
Our thoughts, emotions, sensations, behaviours and nervous system are constantly communicating with one another. When your system detects something as threatening — whether that threat is happening right now, anticipated in the future, or connected with something you have experienced before — your body can respond before your conscious mind has even worked out what is going on.
And sometimes, the “threat” isn't obvious at all.
That doesn't mean you're imagining it.
It doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong with you either.
It may simply mean your system has learned to become very good at protecting you.
Anxiety isn't always loud
Some people experience anxiety as obvious panic or worry.
Others become exceptionally good at functioning through it.
They keep working.
Keep smiling.
Keep helping everyone else.
Keep achieving.
Keep busy.
Keep everything organised.
From the outside, they may look calm, capable and completely in control.
Inside, however, there may be a constant hum of tension.
This is one of the reasons anxiety can go unnoticed for years.
You don't have to feel frightened to have an anxious response.
Sometimes the body is carrying the message before the mind has put words around it.
So let's look at some of the less obvious signs.
1. Your body is doing things your mind doesn't seem to understand
Anxiety isn't simply “thinking too much”.
It can involve very real physical changes.
You might notice:
- jaw clenching or grinding your teeth
- tight shoulders or a constantly tense stomach
- headaches
- digestive changes, nausea or stomach discomfort
- sweating or feeling unusually hot
- trembling or shakiness
- changes in appetite
- restless legs or an urge to move
- difficulty settling into sleep
- waking feeling wired rather than rested
- skin flushing, itching or other stress-related reactions
And sometimes the physical symptom becomes the thing you worry about.
Why is my heart doing that?
What's wrong with my stomach?
Why can't I relax?
Then the worry creates more physical activation… which creates more worry.
And suddenly you're caught in a loop.
Of course, physical symptoms should never automatically be assumed to be anxiety. New, persistent or concerning symptoms deserve appropriate medical attention.
But when you've been medically checked and the symptoms keep appearing alongside periods of stress, fear, overwhelm or emotional pressure, it can be useful to become curious about what your body might be communicating.
Not “What is wrong with me?”
But:
“What is happening in me right now?”
That small change in question can make a surprisingly big difference.
2. You feel disconnected, blank or strangely “not quite here”
Not everyone experiences anxiety as being highly activated.
Sometimes the opposite happens.
You might feel:
- spaced out
- detached from yourself
- disconnected from your surroundings
- as though you're watching yourself from the outside
- numb or emotionally flat
- unable to remember parts of a stressful conversation
- like you're physically present but mentally somewhere else
- unable to think clearly when you're under pressure
Children and young people may appear dreamy, distracted or “away with the fairies”, particularly when something feels emotionally overwhelming.
This can sometimes be described as dissociation.
It's important not to turn every moment of zoning out into a trauma diagnosis. Humans naturally daydream, switch attention and mentally wander.
But when disconnection becomes a recurring response to stress or overwhelm, it may be worth paying attention to.
Sometimes the system doesn't respond to overwhelm by shouting RUN!
Sometimes it turns the volume down.
That can be protective too.
3. You react to things that don't seem to make sense
Have you ever had a reaction that seemed much bigger than the situation?
Someone doesn't reply to your message.
You suddenly feel rejected.
Someone's tone changes.
You immediately assume you've done something wrong.
You have to speak in front of a group.
Your mind goes completely blank.
Someone becomes distant.
You start preparing yourself for them to leave.
Nothing particularly terrible has happened in the present moment.
And yet your body reacts as though something important is at stake.
This is where our history can matter.
Previous experiences can influence what we notice, what we expect and how quickly our protective responses activate. The present situation may be relatively safe while your nervous system is responding to the meaning it has learned to associate with something similar.
This doesn't mean the past controls you forever.
It means your reactions can sometimes make more sense when you understand where they came from.
And that can be incredibly freeing.
Instead of:
“Why am I being so ridiculous?”
You can begin asking:
“What does this situation seem to mean to me?”
4. You are exhausted by things other people seem to find easy
This one is huge.
You might technically be coping…
…but coping is costing you an enormous amount of energy.
Going to a party leaves you shattered.
A day at work leaves you needing to completely withdraw.
A family gathering requires a day of recovery.
Making a phone call takes twenty minutes of psyching yourself up.
You rehearse conversations before having them.
You replay them afterwards.
You constantly monitor how you're coming across.
You notice everyone's facial expressions.
You scan the room.
You think about what you said.
What they meant.
Whether they were annoyed.
Whether you talked too much.
Whether you should have said something different.
From the outside, you were simply “at a party”.
Inside, your system may have been processing hundreds of tiny pieces of information.
That takes energy.
5. Perfectionism can be anxiety wearing a smart outfit
Perfectionism is often praised.
You're organised.
Reliable.
Successful.
You have high standards.
You get things done.
But sometimes underneath the productivity is a quieter fear:
“If I get this wrong, something bad will happen.”
Perhaps you'll be criticised.
Rejected.
Embarrassed.
Disappointed.
Seen as not good enough.
Or perhaps being perfect simply feels safer than being uncertain.
This doesn't mean perfectionism is always caused by anxiety or difficult childhood experiences.
But for some people, striving becomes a way of creating a sense of control when uncertainty feels uncomfortable.
The answer isn't necessarily to stop caring.
It may be learning that good enough can also be safe.
6. Irritability can be anxiety too
Anxiety doesn't always look frightened.
Sometimes it looks bloody annoyed.
You're snapping at people.
Small noises are suddenly unbearable.
Someone asking you one more question feels like the final straw.
You have very little patience.
You feel overwhelmed by ordinary demands.
And then afterwards you think:
Why did I react like that?
When our system has been carrying a lot of activation, our capacity for additional demands can become smaller.
That doesn't mean we have to excuse behaviour that hurts other people.
But understanding what is underneath irritability can give us another place to work.
Sometimes the anger isn't the whole story.
Sometimes underneath it is fear.
Overwhelm.
Helplessness.
Exhaustion.
Or simply “I have had enough.”
7. You struggle to make decisions
Anxiety and uncertainty can make even simple decisions feel enormous.
What if I choose wrong?
What if they don't like it?
What if I regret it?
What if something goes wrong?
So you research.
Ask everyone else.
Change your mind.
Put it off.
Research some more.
And then feel frustrated with yourself for not being able to decide.
Sometimes decision-making isn't really about the decision.
It's about what your system believes might happen if you get it wrong.
One tiny experiment can be to deliberately make a very small decision without asking anyone else.
Which coffee?
Which route?
What film?
What colour?
Then notice what happens inside you.
You're not trying to prove anything.
You're simply giving your system an opportunity to experience:
“I can choose. I can cope with the outcome. I don't have to get everything perfect.”
8. You can't relax - even when everything is fine
This is one of the most frustrating ones.
You've finally finished work.
Nothing needs doing.
Nobody needs you.
You've got the evening to yourself.
So why can't you relax?
You scroll.
Tidy.
Check your phone.
Start another job.
Put something on in the background.
Get up again.
Think about tomorrow.
Your body may have become so accustomed to being “on” that stillness initially feels unfamiliar.
And here's the interesting bit:
Sometimes trying really hard to relax creates more pressure.
Instead of “I need to calm down”, try:
“I wonder what my body is doing right now?”
No fixing.
No forcing.
Just noticing.
9. Your anxiety may show up as avoidance… or overdoing
We often think of anxiety as avoidance.
But anxiety can also make you over-function.
You answer every message immediately.
You take responsibility for everyone.
You can't say no.
You keep busy.
You volunteer for more.
You solve everyone's problems.
You become the dependable one.
You don't give yourself time to stop because stopping might mean actually feeling what has been underneath all that doing.
Sometimes “I don't have time to feel” is the nervous system's way of staying busy enough not to feel overwhelmed.
Again, this isn't about labelling yourself.
It's about getting curious.
What happens when I stop?
That question can tell you a lot.
A few gentle things you can try
You don't need to completely overhaul your life to begin supporting your nervous system.
In fact, with a sensitive or highly activated system, less can sometimes be more.
Body-based approaches such as Somatic Experiencing place importance on grounding, orienting, resourcing, gradual exposure to sensations and moving between activation and settling rather than forcing someone to dive straight into overwhelming material. This gradual approach is sometimes described as titration and pendulation.
Here are a few less commonly suggested experiments.
1. Look around before you look within
When you're anxious, you might immediately focus on your thoughts or your breathing.
Try doing the opposite.
Slowly look around the room.
Let your eyes wander.
Notice colours.
Shapes.
Light.
A familiar object.
Something you genuinely like looking at.
Notice what is happening outside you before asking what is happening inside you.
This is known as orienting and is used in several somatic and nervous-system approaches.
You don't have to tell yourself “I am safe.”
Just give your senses an opportunity to discover what is actually here, right now.
2. Don't automatically take a huge deep breath
This one surprises people.
When you're anxious, you've probably been told:
“Take a deep breath.”
But if concentrating on your breathing makes you more anxious, dizzy or uncomfortable, don't force it.
Instead, simply notice your natural breathing.
Let your body breathe the way it wants to.
You might eventually notice a spontaneous sigh or deeper breath arriving by itself.
The aim isn't to perform “perfect breathing”.
It's to develop a kinder relationship with what's already happening.
3. Give your body something solid to push against
If you're feeling agitated, restless or powerless, try standing with your feet comfortably on the floor and gently pushing your hands against a wall.
Not hard.
Not as a workout.
Just enough to notice:
“There is something here supporting me.”
Feel your feet.
Notice your muscles.
Then slowly release.
Somatic Experiencing approaches use variations of gentle pushing and resistance as a way of exploring grounding, bodily support and activation without overwhelming the system.
And you can make it ridiculously simple.
Five seconds.
Then stop.
You don't have to turn it into a 20-minute nervous-system routine.
4. Try “tiny pendulation”
This is one of my favourites.
Instead of forcing yourself to focus on what feels difficult, deliberately move your attention between something neutral or pleasant and something slightly uncomfortable.
For example:
Notice the tightness in your chest for a few seconds.
Then notice your feet inside your socks.
Notice the tightness again.
Then look at something lovely in the room.
Then back to your feet.
You're teaching yourself that you can notice a little discomfort and come back to something supportive.
This principle of moving between activation and relative settling is central to pendulation in Somatic Experiencing.
The key word is little.
You don't need to dive into the deepest thing you've ever experienced.
5. Give your eyes a break from “scanning”
When we're anxious, our eyes can become busy.
Checking.
Searching.
Monitoring.
Looking for reactions.
Try letting your gaze soften occasionally rather than staring intensely at one thing.
Notice the wider space around you.
You don't need to close your eyes.
You don't need to meditate.
Just allow your visual field to become a little broader and less effortful.
Gentle visual and orienting practices are used within somatic nervous-system approaches, although they should always be approached carefully if focusing on the eyes or internal sensations makes someone feel more distressed or disconnected.
And perhaps the biggest tip of all…
Stop treating every anxious response as a problem you need to get rid of.
Sometimes the more frightened we become of anxiety, the more attention we give it.
Why am I feeling this?
How do I make it stop?
What if it gets worse?
I shouldn't be feeling like this.
And suddenly we're anxious about being anxious.
Instead, what if you became curious?
What is my body trying to tell me?
What might I be anticipating?
What feels difficult or unsafe right now?
What would help me feel one tiny bit more supported?
That shift — from fighting yourself to becoming curious about yourself — can be incredibly powerful.
Your responses have usually developed for a reason.
They may have once helped you cope, protect yourself, belong, stay connected, avoid conflict, remain alert or get through something difficult.
You don't have to shame those responses in order to change them.
You can appreciate what they were trying to do and still decide that you would like something different now.
Anxiety isn't a character flaw
If you've spent years thinking you're too sensitive, too emotional, too much, too avoidant, too controlling, too needy, too difficult or simply “bad at coping”, I want you to know something:
There may be much more going on underneath the behaviour than you realise.
Understanding that doesn't mean blaming your past.
It doesn't mean every difficulty comes from childhood.
And it certainly doesn't mean you're destined to repeat old patterns.
It simply opens another door.
A door where we can become curious about the relationship between your experiences, your emotions, your body, your beliefs and the ways you've learned to protect yourself.
That is very different from asking:
“What's wrong with me?”
Perhaps a more useful question is:
“What happened, what did I learn, and what might my system need now?”
You don't have to figure it all out alone
This is at the heart of the work I do through Emotional Healing Therapy.
My Mind Body Mastery approach brings together trauma-informed therapeutic counselling, creative therapeutic approaches and The MAP Method™, with an emphasis on understanding the deeper patterns underneath anxiety rather than simply teaching you to manage symptoms.
We don't have to force anything.
We don't have to relive everything.
And you don't have to arrive knowing exactly what's wrong or where it all began.
We can start with what's happening now — the thoughts, feelings, behaviours, physical sensations and patterns that are getting in the way of the life, relationships or sense of self you want.
From there, we gently explore what may be underneath.
Because you are not a collection of symptoms that need fixing.
You're a whole person who has learned ways of navigating life.
And sometimes healing begins when those old ways no longer have to work quite so hard.
If this sounds familiar and you'd like some gentle support exploring what's underneath your anxiety, you're very welcome to get in touch.
We can start with a conversation and see whether working together feels like the right fit for you.
No pressure.
No judgement.
Just a safe space to begin making a little more sense of you.
With much Love, Light & Magic
Karen
